I remember you waking up and believing nobody was waiting in the hospital with you and when I told you that we were all there the entire time waiting for you to wake up, you just sobbed because you didnвЂ™t believe you deserved the love we all had for you. I remember you squeezing my hand and as it turned blue causing alarms to blare, sleeping in the ICU waiting to see you and singing to you, hoping you could hear me. There is nothing but old bills from the hospital and text messages you all saved- warnings I had written, messages of support, numbers you could call, moments of clarity that you wanted to share, thank yous for convincing you to get into treatment, admissions of relapse and bad days, photos of us. I know you would just want me to be happy, but itвЂ™s hard when you arenвЂ™t able to move an inch without being reminded of the people you loved. I wake up sobbing, have panic attacks in public just like I did this morning, but IвЂ™m trying my best to heal. To those of us that didnвЂ™t make it to recovery and to those putting the work in every day to get themselves and others to realize the possibility of a life where you can experience joy and live with the bad times without dependency. I SEEN HIS GRATEFULNESS FOR MY LOVE AND IN THAT MOMENT I KNEW HE LOVED ME SO. THE LOOK OF LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE FROM HIM ILL HOLD DEAR TO MY HEART UNTIL MY DYING DAY. AND IN A WAY I THINK IT WAS HIM DOING SO SINCE I GOT HIM INTO CHURCH AND REMEMBER HIM CRYING THE DAY HE SEEN HE WAS ON THE PRAYER LIST THERE. HE AND A FEW OTHER TRIBAL MOMENTS HAVE BROUGHT ME CLOSER THAN EVER TO GOD. HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME AND I LEANED BACK AND I AWOKE WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE AND ALMOST HYPERVENTILATING FROM JOY AND RELIEF FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE HE HAD PASSED. HE TOLD ME HE WAS OKAY THAT IT IS OKAY FOR ME TO FEEL HOW I FEEL HE SAID MORE THAT I REMEMBER BEING ASTONISHED BY BUT NOW I DONT REMEMBER CLEARLY BUT ILL TELL YOU I DO REMEMBER THE GLOW AND THE LIGHT FROM ABOVE HIM JUST ENOUGH TO THINK HOW ODD IT WAS AND TO KNOW THAT IT WAS APART OF THE MESSAGE. KNEES BENT ELBOWS ON HIS KNEES AND SMILING THAT MOON LOVING GRINN THAT STILL MELTS MY EVERY BIT OF MY SOUL.

BUT I DREAMED AND THE CLEAREST VIEW STILL RIGHT NOW AS I THINK BACK TO IT WAS HIM IN THE BACK SEAT OF A TRUCK IN HIS BLUE SHIRT AND CARHART COAT WITH BLUEJEANS AND HIS BOOTS. I WAS BALLING THAT NIGHT DRIVING HOME IN A HYSTERIC. A FEW WEEKS LATER I HAD TOTALLY FORGOTTEN. I BEGGED GOD FOR WEEKS TO GIVE ME A SIGN HE MADE IT TO HEAVEN AND WAS BETTER NOW. HE BATTLED SO MUCH SO OFTEN AND I USED TO BE SO MAD AT HIM, BUT I CANNOT BE MAD AT THE MAN I WANTED AND WOULD HAVE SPENT FOREVER WITH. BEFORE I EVEN HAD TIME TO REACT CONSCIOUSLY TO WHATEVER IT WAS. HE HAD A WAY OF MAKING YOU FEEL THAT ENERGY, HE HAD A WAY OF FEELING MY ENERGY IN A SPLIT SECOND IF MY MOOD CAHNGED. HE GOT SO INTO THE STORIES LIKE HE WAS RELIVING THE EVENTS HAPPENING. I THINK ITS WHY HE LOVED TELLING ME STORIES. HIS SMILE WAS GLOWING ALOMOST AS IF IT WERE THE MOON LIGHTING UP MY DARK SKY.

SPEAKING OF TODD HIS BEST FRIEND AND HIM. HE WAS SCRUNCHED DOWN ON ONE KNEE WITH HIS CARHART ON AND SMOKING A MARLBRO BLACK. I REMEMBER ONE TIME SPECIFICALLY SO WELL I CAN SEE AND HEAR HIM TELL IT. WHEN I THINK BACK TO THE NIGHTS OF US SITTING TOGETHER ON HIS FRONT PORCH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO SMOKE A CIG BEFORE BED, I CAN STILL FEEL AND SMELL EVERYTHING AROUND ME. BRIT COULD TELL THE BEST STORIES I HAVE EVER BEEN EMMERCED IN. SO THIS TRIBUTE WILL BE HONEST AND IT WILL BEGIN WITH THE HARD AND SAD NEWS BUT WE WILL END IT WITH THE AMAZING STORY OF WHO BRIT WAS WHEN HE WAS ABLE TO GET PAST HIS ADDICTIONS AND AFFLICTIONS. HE STARTED LIFE HERE ON A GOOD NOTE AND ENDED ON A VERY HARD AND SAD NOTE FOR US AND I DO BELIEVE FOR HIM SELF AS WELL. I DIDNT WANT TO START THIS OFF WITH THAT INFO BUT I DID EXACTLY FOR THAT REASON. BRIT ALEX HOSKINS WAS A MAN LOVED BY MANY OF US! HE SELF-MEDICATED FOR HIS MENTAL HEALTH WITH HEROINE AND OTHER SUBSTANCES.

Teen suicide band alec